by Karyn L. Beach

Going to an Adam Sandler comedy and expecting sophisticated and nuanced humor is like going to a strip club and expecting ballet. Judd Apatow, the guy that gave us The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, and SuperBad, co-wrote You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, with his old friend and former roommate, Sandler, and with that duo, you’d expect a hefty dose of raunchy and gross-out humor. You’d also expect it to be funny but you would be wrong. Oh so wrong.

The Zohan (Sandler) is an Israeli super-spy. Yet, he’s tired of the fighting and longs to start a new life … as a New York hairstylist. After another showdown with his Palestinian nemesis, The Phantom (John Turturro), he fakes his death and ends up in the Big Apple. His dream of cutting hair for the Paul Mitchell salon is quickly dashed and he ends up in a small salon owned by a beautiful Palestinian woman (Emmanuelle Chiriquí). He gains a following very quickly for styling hair and then taking his older clients in the supply room for a quickie. But his old life and new life collide when a Palestinian cab driver (Rob Schneider) recognizes Zohan.

I can appreciate Adam Sandler films. I can. The Waterboy, The Wedding Singer, and Big Daddy are all funny movies. You Don’t Mess with the Zohan is not. Well, it is if you think an endless supply of jokes about: the size of Zohan’s privates or multiple uses of hummus, or satisfying the sexual needs of the geriatric set are funny. I don’t. I was bored. Bored. The fact that this film is almost two hours long didn’t help either.

This movie was relentless. You want peace in the Middle East; make everyone – Israeli and Palestinian – sit through repeated showings of You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. I guarantee they would have some sort of treaty banged out almost immediately. This film in and of itself is a unique form of torture.

I can count on one hand the number of laughs I heard from the audience. And, I’d have fingers left over. It’s almost funny that the same jokes that got laughs in the trailer got the laughs in the movie.

I don’t know what else to say. Poorly written. Poorly directed. Poorly acted. If you know what’s good for you, you will NOT even think about messing with the Zohan.